Naruto What!
by 3000-Calorie diet
Summary: The most overused plots of all time come here to drink tea and eat bagels.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: The author clearly would not even know of this website if he did not enjoy and appreciate fanfiction. Parodies are meant to be in jest and people who are offended are taking themselves too seriously. There are better people to direct your anger at than the author. He strongly suggests directing it at the current President of the United States or cars that cut people off.

Disclaimer #2: I do not own Naruto in any way, shape, or form.

Ch.1

The Author Introduces the Intent of this Fic

Everyone, no matter what age, ethnicity, or gender, has encountered at one time or another finally realized how similar plots are used over and over again. Since nobody else has thought of this idea in the Naruto section of this site yet, I've decided to compile every overused plot that there is into one big clichéd fanfic.

Be careful of the ones that have summaries like "Naruto leaves Konoha when he is 3 years old and trains himself to be uber-powerful" or "ones with pairings- Neji/OC Gaara/OC Naruto/OC Lee/OC Kakashi/OC..." you get the idea.

Lastly, of course you better watch out for ones like:

"yo al u guys man this fic is sooooo awsom bt man ther's summry inside and u kno that this fic is da bomb and it is the greatst! And just a hint man ths is Naru/evryone cuz y'all kno naruto is gosu!"

(Spellcheck explodes. It eats its own intestines as an afterthought)

Without further ado, here are the examples:


	2. Overpowered Pt1

**Chapter 2 In which Naruto is Way too Overpowered (Part 1)**

Naruto was just born. We all know that in most Naruto fics, the first scene begins with how the Kyuubi is sealed within Naruto. And then it fasts forward a bit to when he's about 4 or 5 years old…

All Naruto could see was the red clouding his vision. "Why! Why are you guys so mean to me," he cries as stones are thrown at him and villagers jeer at him.

"Shut up demon fox!" screamed the villagers in blind fury and/or rage. "Normally we weren't like this in the canon and didn't abuse you physically since obviously if we did, the ninjas and Hokage of Konoha would come and stop us. But since this author decided that he needs a reason to get you away from Konoha to begin your impossibly fast development as a ninja, we're to drive you out of the village!"

Naruto keeps running and running out and away from the village until he can't see it anymore. He is sporting a broke nose, broken arm, bruised and bloodied face, and he's coughing up blood about every 2 seconds.

"Why me?" Naruto whimpered, as he fell to the ground in a dreamless sleep while his pain receptors are dying from overuse.

Now, Naruto wakes up from his sleep, and the sun is high up in the sky. He is in a dense forest, and apparently very far away from any sign of civilization. He can't help but notice that all of his injuries are gone. All of a sudden, he hears this voice inside his head.

"**You weakling!"** said the mysterious voice (and by this time the readers are trembling with great anticipation while wondering who this certain voice is…) **"How could my vessel be so weak and helpless!"**

Naruto, frightening into a stupor, stuttered, "Who are you? And how are my injuries gone?"

"**Why, you insolent pup, I'm the Kyuubi of course but my real name's Hissoubrekansomenguaga, the Demon Lord of the Underworld. And I healed you with my chakra, obviously. **(inserts some past history that Hissoubrekansomenguaga had, which is apparently a long and experienced one, and also explains the many OC ability creations, such as a doujitsu ability similar to the Sharingan but not quite since that would be just copying and we all know how boring copying is)**"** (at this point, the reader is forced to gag as he/she reads this new blatant original creation that the author just decided to throw into the fic just for kicks)

"How come I can hear you? Will you be my friend?" asked Naruto, not so afraid anymore.

"**Well, it all started with… **(inserts a short and chopped up story about how Naruto came to have the Kyuubi) **and I also happen to be the greatest demon of them all, which will explain how in the near future you will become unstoppable under my tutelage." **Replied the great demon fox, while the author conveniently forgets that the Kyuubi slaughtered many Konoha ninjas and almost destroyed Konoha altogether and therefore the demon just automatically becomes a benevolent character.

And then comes the part where Naruto begins his grueling training to become the ultimate shinobi. Now keep in mind that Naruto is still 4-5 years old, and it IS kind of hard to start developing your muscles intensely until you are a bit older. However, this is Narutoverse, so since Itachi was Anbu captain at 13, Naruto can obviously be much stronger than Itachi at 5 years of age. (cough)

All of a sudden, Naruto becomes 12 years old and one day the Kyuubi speaks to him after a long hard day of training. (Notice how the author skips over almost all the methods of training since he really really wants to get to the good part where Naruto returns to Konoha to kick some ass. Meh, maybe if he's feeling nice, he'll show a scene or two of weights, water walking, or tree climbing. Sound familiar? But of course, those or the only training methods that we saw in the Naruto anime/manga so far…)

"**Kit** (obviously it is a given that the Kyuubi should call Naruto Kit because the author can't seem to think up an original nickname since he saw "kit" used many times by other fanfiction authors…)**, I believe the time has come for you to return to your village, Konoha."**

"But why?" pouted Naruto. "All they done was abuse me and yell at me… why should I return to the village?" At this point the Kyuubi shows him how his father was the 4th Hokage and tells him that his father would've wanted it or something along those lines. All of a sudden, Naruto decides to return to the village.

Upon entering the village, all the girls ooohhh and ahhhhh since Naruto had become sooooo frickin hott (apparently he has also become much more taller than his canon figure in the anime), with his "spiky blonde hair" and his "cerulean eyes" along with his "perfectly toned figure" (even though he is only 12 years old but who cares, this Naruto is a gigantic chick magnet even though the Naruto in the canon was short, orange, and loud). He is wearing ninja attire that's equivalent of today's Abercrombie and Fitch brand of clothing, black ninja shirt with an Uzumaki swirl (and how does Naruto find out about the swirl? More importantly, how is it his "clan symbol" even though he doesn't have a clan yet and I'm pretty sure his dad didn't, as it didn't show in the manga) on the back, fingerless gloves, shorts, topped off with an angsty black cloak.

He immediately vanishes with a flourish of yellow (gee I wonder where that came from?) and appears in front of the Hokage building. He encounters several Anbu guards at the door.

"Hey it's that Kyuubi kid!" one Anbu-member exclaimed. "Don't let him in!"

"I'm coming in whether you like it or not."

Rather than try to come to a peaceful resolution, the author decides that it is the perfect time to show off Naruto's newfound powers. To make a long story short, he beats the Anbu-members to bloody pulps. However, they're still alive since we can't go about having the hero of the story killing Konoha ninjas, now can we? It would conflict too much with the linear plot the author has in mind!

Naruto then goes to the Hokage's office.

"Who might you be?" asked the Hokage in a curious tone. "You must be a prodigy to defeat a group an Anbu in such a short amount of time!"

"My name is…… (long suspenseful silence)……Naruto (gasp!)! I have come back to Konoha since I love this village just because of Iruka and the love that my dad had for it."

"Naruto, who raised you to become such a strong ninja," inquired the Hokage.

"The Kyuubi instructed me in the ways of the ninja, and because of that, I am now a very strong ninja! (oh really, we didn't know that yet)"

"Ok." Was all the Hokage said since what kind of a person would he be to worry about a little kid who has been isolated for years with nobody else but a demon fox who killed tons of Leaf shinobi 12 years ago as a companion. Heck, he wasn't even worried about that happening a second time because the little boy obviously had way more control of his body than a thousand-year old demon. "I guess I'll place you in a genin team even though you someone managed to beat a team of Anbu and you should actually be a jounin. It would bring you back to familiar characters in the canon if I put you on a genin team."

"Great, now I'm off to find a ramen stand since I have an insatiable hunger for ramen. This is one of the few characteristics that are still the same as the canon because what would I be without my love for ramen? Even though I was isolated in the wilderness for many years, I came up with a way to procure ramen every day somehow!"

And off goes Naruto to find the nearest ramen stand, which is Ichiraku since it is the only ramen stand that the author knows that's from the canon.

Man this is my first fic and I never knew how hard it is to write one…… and this kind of fic is really one of the easiest types of fics to write because the novel length ones are so much harder to write if you want to write well. It would be appreciated I could get some feedback and ideas from you guys so that I'll know what to change or do better.

**Next Chapter… Naruto meets with his genin team which is sure to contain Hinata or Sasuke or Sakura for obvious reasons**


	3. Overpowered Pt2

All you reviewers out there… I really appreciate you giving me the ideas more future chapters even though I already had some of your ideas in mind, hehe… I'm not writing this into one big parody since it kind of makes it a little bit harder to incorporate everything I want into my parody, so therefore these are mostly going to contain either stand alone or 2-part storylines (If you can call them storylines).

For the people who'll question about why I despise OCs so much, here's my answer: I generally do not despise OCs as long as they're well written. However, it takes a brilliant writer to sculpt out all the things that make a character realistic. It is extremely hard to do one, let alone more than one. If you see a story that has many OCs in it or is based around an OC, you're should immediately hit the back button.

**Chapter 3 In which Naruto is Way too Overpowered (Part 2)**

The next day Naruto wakes up in his apartment, ready to meet with his new genin team. He pulls out a piece of paper the Hokage had give him.

"Hmm… it seems that my teammates are……(Long drum roll)…… Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke!" exclaimed Naruto.

So then off goes Naruto to the Academy. When he reaches his destination, every girl is all over him except Hinata. (We can't have this story get too OOC now can we?) They learn of their teams (the original teams, of course) and Naruto's genin team goes off to find Kakashi. Eventually, all of them go to the roof, where Kakashi proceeds to ask them about their likes and dislikes, and you know all of them, because 9 out of 10 times when authors include the roof scene, their likes are the same as the canon.

"Don't get too comfy yet. There is still one more trial you guys have to pass if you want to become true Konoha genins," chuckled Kakashi. "I like to call this my bell test… (author inserts the bell test rules conveniently right from the anime since it's "too much trouble" to think of another possible test that can convey the message of teamwork.)

"START!"

As soon as Kakashi yells this out, the three go off to hide.

Naruto is thinking to himself, "Hmm, I could take down Kakashi all by myself, but that is truly not the point of this test. The point of this test is about teamwork! I know this because not only did the author decide to grace me with superpowers that make the Akatsuki look like a group of little girls playing hopscotch, but he also blessed me with intelligence that is far more superior to the smartest person in the world!"

Sasuke thinks to himself, "Man, I can't keep my mind off Sakura! She's so perfect, and I'm just dying profess my undying love for her, but alas, she can never know about my deep caring that I have for her since I'm an avenger, and I could never deserve Sakura! Once I kill Itachi, my bloodstained hands will never be worthy of my one true love, and she will hate me! Wait, what am I rambling about, I must defeat Kakashi to being the journey of killing my brother."

Sakura thinks to herself, "SAAAAAAAASUKE-KUUUUUUUNNNNNN! I LOOOOOOOVEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUU!"

So then Kakashi is reading his little perverted novel in the clearing when Sasuke pops out of nowhere. Most of the time, the author makes out Sasuke to be an angsty lovesick dog or makes him seem like a total asshole that's going to lose every battle that he's going to ever fight.

Sasuke jumps out of a bush and chucks some kunais at Kakashi and proceeds to get the shit beat out of him. Sakura suffers the same fate as she did in the anime; she got tricked by a genjitsu.

Naruto is thinking deeply. "Hmm, now that my idiotic teammates got themselves beat up, what shall I do…(3 seconds later) Aha! I got it! I'll just use my Kage Bushin (which is found only in the Scroll of Sealing, which Naruto hasn't found yet and who knows where he learned that technique) and use Henge on them to look like my teammates. Then I'll take the bells!"

In order to make this remotely amusing, the author drags this battle out between Naruto and Kakashi, even though it's clear that Naruto is much stronger than Kakashi because he beat a group of Anbu in the last chapter. Needless to say, Naruto gets the bells in the end and Sasuke and Sakura pass because of Naruto's smartness, not because they trusted each other or worked together.

As they were leaving the clearing, Sasuke yells out "Hey Naruto! I challenge you to a fight! I need to challenge everyone that's stronger than me to a fight, because the author really needs a reason for me to get humiliated and look like a helpless pansy that doesn't know how to fight. And after that I'll give Naruto a chance to taunt me in the face about how I'll never reach my brother's level at this rate even though I have no idea how he knows. His owning eye ability must allow him to read minds!"

However, at one point in the story, this author will undoubtedly reach an epiphany that Naruto is way too powerful in order to craft a decent story with a plausible plot. For example, when he fights Orochimaru, the author realizes that if Naruto defeats Orochimaru, there will be no antagonist in the story anymore. This leads him to realize how dumb overpowering Naruto was in the first place. He or she will most likely try to redeem themselves by doing this……

Orochimaru: (cough cough) You are a VERY strong ninja, Naruto. I underestimated you way too much.

Naruto jumps in the air and performs a massive jutsu that inflicts some damage on Orochimaru but doesn't kill him. Naruto keels to the ground.

"See? Hey guys, do you see? I am totally out of chakra! I MUST have keeled over from chakra depletion! I MUST be only human. I MUST convince you to keep reading this story!"

Shortly after the chuunin examination, the Hokage approaches Naruto.

"Hey Naruto, how would you like to be the Godaime Hokage? I heard you took on Orochimaru pretty well during the chuunin exam, and we need a strong protector of this village. Even though you're only 12-13 years old and most of Konoha still hates you, I'm sure that they'll accept you and acknowledge you in no time!"

Naruto shrugs, "That's fine with me, I'm kinda getting tired of this story anyway."

……………………………………………………………………………………………

**Next Chapter, We'll explore the plentiful pairings that Naruto fanfiction has to offer…**


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